Not Very Fast But Furious Anyway

 

I’m going to preface this post with a little story that lots of people have already heard.

 

I start every car trip with a quiet little moment to myself.

 

I say, in my head, “Please just let us get there today”.

 

It’s like, if I forget to do it, something bad will happen because the universe will think I’m taking things for granted & decide to mess with me accordingly.

 

The universe is a bitch like that.

 

Anyway, before we left Cairns I was talking to a friend about how getting in the car, for a long drive with the family, makes me nervous as hell.

 

I’m always hoping we don’t end up another tragedy on the news that night.

 

Yeh, I’m bright & cheery like that.

 

Laithe used to get the shits with me because he thought I was just being negative.

 

But I see it as more as a necessary consideration.

 

When bad shit happens, it’s always the last thing you expected. So, I figure, if I expect it & prepare for it, at least mentally, it won’t happen OR I’ll know what to do when it does happen because I’ve already walked myself through the scenario.

 

Makes total freakin’ sense to me, and being just a little bit prepared helps with my anxiety.

 

So does Valium going to sleep.

 

That’s usually my action plan when we get in the car.

 

Water bottles, snacks, toys, seatbelts. Now every body shut up & wake me when we get there.

 

So! We were in outback Queensland, on our way to Sydney, after we left Cairns.

 

Laithe was paying me out about my little “issues”, so I politely said “Up yours, I’m going to sleep”.

There’d been road works for a lot of the trip but all had been going well.

We were totally loaded up with all our stuff in the Hilux & towing Laithe’s work trailer, which didn’t have independent brakes. It took a bit to pull up when we needed to stop.

 

So I close my eyes to get comfy but turn back to look at the road & there’s this bright orange, backpacker mobile.

 

In our lane.

 

Coming straight at us.

 

Laithe’s standing on the brakes.

 

I’m standing my brakes.

 

It was in slow motion, full HD.

 

They realise what’s happening & start swerving, smoke coming off their tyres. The nose of their van just about digging into the bitumen & there’s nowhere to go because of the road works.

 

If Laithe swerved it would have opened up mine & Georgie’s side of the car so he just kept it straight.

 

There was nothing else to do.

 

The safest thing for us, having airbags, was to hit them head on.

 

Both of us were just bracing for impact, the kids in the back completely oblivious.

 

Then, just like in the movies, at the very last second, they swerved hard back into their own lane.

 

They were so close Laithe could have reached out & slapped them.

 

I’m pretty sure Vin Diesel was driving.

 

They’d swerved so hard though, that I was sure they’d end up in the rock wall on the other side of the road OR swing back round & take out our trailer. But they managed a full recovery & limped off slowly, probably lighting about 6 cigarettes each as they went.

 

We pulled up further down the road to check everything & change my undies.

 

Our legs were like jelly!

---

 

So, have you ever towed a caravan? 

 

The steering in the Cruiser wasn’t quite right when we first took off round the south of WA.

 

The van is a hefty 23ft & wasn’t packed very well, so it kind of felt like towing a huge brick.

 

Balancing on a unicycle.

 

With a parachute deployed.

 

The steering wheel would go, pretty much, from ‘10’ to ‘2’ without the car actually responding. And, even with the stabilising bars in situ, the van would sometimes try to steer the car down the narrow country roads we’d lumber along on.

 

We’ve clocked almost 20,000km’s in the last 10 months.

 

It’s been, hands down, THE most stressful part of the trip for me.

 

I sit in the passenger seat in a state of adrenal crisis; constantly in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

 

Palms & feet sweating like a bitch.

 

I’m sure my pituitary gland shit itself months ago.

 

If I see any cool stuff as we’re driving I don’t point any of it out to Laithe.

 

I don’t want him to take his eyes off the road!

 

Not only do you have all these animals to avoid & watch out for, there’s a whole bunch of potholes, pedestrians, caravaners, cyclists, motorcyclists, trucks, trailers, boats, buses towing cars, wide loads & just general knobs on the road who think overtaking you, on a bend, on a crest, is a brilliant idea.

 

But the things that make my arsehole go into spasm most of all are the Road Trains.

 

Three & four trailers long, coming at you on a narrow road.

 

And ALWAYS on a sweeping fucking bend!

 

You can feel the force of them as they pass & the van gets knocked about by a great gust of wind.

 

It’s terrifying.

 

But now that we’re in the The Territory, where the speed limit is 130k’s an hour, the roads are wider, & there’s markedly less traffic, it’s not so bad.

 

Not that there’s any  chance of us doing 130.

 

The best we manage is 90km/h during the cool of the morning, & 80km/h for the rest of the day.

If we try to push it (because the kids have gone batshit, or something) you can watch the needle shoot up as the car starts to overheat.

Not something I’d be too happy about in the middle of the desert.

 

Having never towed anything in my life, I thought it a pretty good idea to have a go while we’re out here.

 

Driving in a straight line.

 

Not reversing anywhere.

 

So I did a full 63km’s my share of the 20,000km, coming out of Kununurra. And Laithe got a taste of what it’s like in the passenger seat, having no control of anything.

 

His arsehole needs toning.

 

What have I learnt?

• Tourists can’t always be trusted to drive on the right side of the road.

         Neither can Laithe.

 

• It’s not the first kangaroo you have to watch out for, but the second.

 

• Emus will not get out of the way. They’ll run in a straight line like they’re stuck on train tracks, or something.

 

• I’m pretty good at towing a van.

        At least I watch the road.

 

# I don’t actually take Valium. But Laithe would like me to.

Back by popular demand.

I know myself pretty well.

I can procrastinate the shit out of any task.

Specially the ones I set for myself.

 

In light of that, I should have called this blog “Places They Went”.

And so, without further adieu, a blog post…

 

Tonight we’re in Kununurra.

A bees dick from the Northern Territory border & a few weeks shy of a return to Western Sydney.

Plenty of time for Hawesbury City Council to organise my ticker tape parade down the main street of Windsor?

 

We’ve swapped the blues, greens, & whites of the WA coast for the reds, browns, & browns of the Kimberly.

 

It’s hot out here during the day.

 

There’s bush fires burning & the car’s struggling along at 80k’s an hour.

 

We’re skipping all the “good bits” of the area that we desperately want to see because we’ve added an EXTRA YEAR to our travel itinerary! Yikes.

We need to ditch the van (it won’t follow us where Laithe we want to go) & come back in a couple of dry seasons with a camp trailer that’s properly set up for exploring.

 

We’ve spent the last 2 weeks in beautiful Broome.

Have you ever been?

 

You should totally go.

 

In winter.

When you walk over the hill to get to Cable beach, it’s just like a scene from a postcard. 

 

We rendezvoused, at Palm Grove Holiday Resort, with some professional Grey Nomads we know.

The kids call them “Nanny & Pa”.

 

There were 2 shower blocks at Palm Grove. The big block gets a 2 Pubes rating & the small block a 3, based mainly on size.

 

In the small block, the showers were tiny & the bacterial breeding ground shower curtain kept sticking to my arse every time I turned around.

 

The other Grandparents flew in in style for a few days before taking off on their own 5 day Gibb River Road adventure.

 

But everyone who’s anyone was present for Miss G’s, long awaited, 6th birthday which happened to fall on the first night of Staircase to the Moon.

Three nights a month, on the full moon, the tide goes out exposing the mudflats of Roebuck Bay. It looks like a “staircase to the moon”…

We all headed down to Town Beach for some nibbles, wine & cake.

 

Anyway. All Georgie wanted for her birthday was to get her ears pierced, excuse me!

 

She’s been banging on about it for months.

 

We talked it over, explained it all, mentioned it would hurt a bit, but she wasn’t phased.

So off we went to the chemist.

 

The one that looked like it’d have the lowest rate of staph infections per piercing.

Dotting the i’s…

Shitting the pants…

Happy as Larry.

 

She skipped & danced & yahooed her way out of there, & we couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.

 

After the body mutilation & the festivities, we took in the sights of Broome.

Spent a few days enjoying both ends of the iconic Cable Beach.

Watched a few local heroes spring into action to save some vehicles left unattended, facing certain doom, as the 9 meter tide inched quickly up the beach.

Bid farewell to the Grey Nomads as they headed off in the opposite direction to us.

Saw a few decent sunsets over the Indian Ocean.

 

Enjoyed a few beers at Matso’s Brewery…

Not to mention the BEST $10 bowl of chips ever eaten…

And went to the markets about 4 times during our stay.

I also spent way too much money on pearls. But hey, it’s Broome. You’re almost obligated to buy pearls there.

 

Laithe & Georgie enjoyed a trip to the museum with Nan & Pop, while I stayed home with a sleeping monster. (Museums are not for him).

 

Not wanting to miss out, I managed to take in the Broome Cup & the Roebuck Bay Hotel’s Wednesday night Wet T-shirt Competition some other cultural experiences Broome has on offer.

I caught up with friends from Cairns, drank beer, & even managed a filthy McDonalds run at 1am. None of which I regret.

 

We finished off our awesome stay in Broome with more beer & chips at Matso’s & another sunset at Cable Beach.

 

Oh, Broome.

 

How I love thee.

 

But I’m afraid, if we’d stayed any longer I would have become obese.