Serious business.

When I was a kid, our neighbours had a brown toilet that I refused to use.
Because it was brown.
And therefore, dirty.

When Laithe & I did the Kokoda Track in 2006, I didn’t shit for TEN DAYS.
No way was my bum going to make contact with those “toilets” for anything longer than a wee.
I joked with the girls at work, before I left, that I’d catheterise myself so I wouldn’t even have to pee. 

Joking? Yes. Yes, of course I was…

The fact that I no longer have a toilet to clean means that I’m now using public/holiday park toilets and showers all the time.
This isn’t new to me. I did a lot of camping with my family when I was a kid, & like I said… Kokoda.
But given that I have a raging slight “issue” with germs of the general public variety, and my thighs no longer allow me to hover like they used to, I thought I’d comment on the amenities we’ve encountered so far.

As a “Lady” (yes, I’m using the term VERY loosely), I know I’m not alone in thinking that there’s not a whole lot worse than trying to go for a quick tinkle only to stumble in & find a WHOPPING GREAT PUBE sitting on the toilet seat, blinking back at you.

You stand there staring at one another while you try to work out an appropriate course of action.

Hysterical screaming is not really an option.

Nor is growing a penis so you don’t need to sit at all.

Instead you step back and blow at it from a distance or try & flap it away with your hands, but that disgusting little blighter is stuck fast in a tiny little pissy puddle on the seat and you KNOW you’re gonna have to…. *gulp*….. wipe it away.
Excuse me while a go have a little vomit into my mouth…….

I don’t care for pubes. Slap some wax on & get rid of the lot for all I care.

That said, I’ve decided to give a 1-5 Pube rating of the facilities we have & will encounter. ‘5 Pubes’ being the worst rating one could possibly achieve, right up to the coveted & very exclusive ‘Golden Pube Club’. My standards are pretty high. I’m not sure anyone will make the cut.

So lets do it.

First stop- Bungalow 410, Rottnest Island- 2 Pubes. The toilet & showers were outside the bungalow, but were private & nice & clean.

Second stop- Estuary Hideaway Holiday Park, Mandurah- 3 Pubes. Everything was really tidy but if you’re taller than 4ft or your waste circumference is greater than 80cm, you’ll struggle to actually fit in the showers.

I also can’t forgive what their bore water did to my white shorts!

Third stop- Koombana Bay Holiday Park, Bunbury- 2 Pubes. This place was great. It is a Big 4 so they kinda have standards. But I did have a couple of HORRIFYING encounters with several pubic hairs.
Someone must have been moulting.

Fourth stop- Tauntun Farm Holiday Park, Cowaramup- 2 Pubes. I LOVED this place.
I still wouldn’t walk in the bathroom without shoes on, & they only had 1 out of 4 good showerheads, but there were cut flowers on the bathroom bench everyday. A nice touch.

Fifth stop- Alexandra Bridge Camp Ground, near Karridale off the Brockman Hwy-
ummm… I’m going to give it 4 Pubes.

It was what it was.

There were no showers to clean, just 2 flushing toilets. Without lights.
We started out bathing like this…


…but upgraded the next day to this…


The grounds keeper did come around every day or so to slop some Dettol about.
That mixed with the smell of man shit made for a deee-lightful morning wakeup. Eau de toilette…

Sixth stop- Fonty’s Pool, Manjimup- 2 Pubes. What a beautiful place this was. (I’ll post about it later & put the pics on Facebook). The amenities were dated retro but clean… until my kids decided to become faecally incontinent whilst at the pool.

Both of them.

At the SAME TIME.

The little one may, or may not, have engaged in some finger painting at this point.

*bows deeply*

Thank you. I do my best.

Seventh stop- Well this is tricky.
Our seventh stop sees us currently house sitting in Albany for my friends parents while they are in Cairns. And while MY family messes up uses the bathroom it can NEVER be eligible for the Golden Pube Club.

I’m also facing a real moral dilemma.

I feel it’s my duty, as a very grateful guest, to clean up after my family.
But I just can’t bring myself to pick up that toilet brush…


What have I learned so far?

• Always, ALWAYS, carry a spare set of latex gloves on your person. Bugger the allergy! These are PUBLIC TOILETS we’re talking about here!

• Do NOT camp directly next to the toilets.

No matter how convenient it is.

• I don’t need to carry a golf club with me to the bathroom. The cane toads haven’t made it this far yet.

Although…. a golf club could be handy for all those Ninja pubes that jump out at me on the way.

• It doesn’t matter how prepared you are to go for nice, leisurely swim. Someone will always, ALWAYS shit themselves.

Why? WHY? Why do they ALWAYS have to mix it with water?!